im being bombarded with ideas and plans that aren't mine
of what i should do with my future
& i know i shouldn't get territorial about it
seeing as well.. these are gods plan's vs. mine
i intend on losing. and i will be happy about it haha.
if i can
continue to remember that his are better in so many
different ways.
im trying to look at my life and find where gods spoke to
me the most.
and it seems to be in Graphic arts/music and writing so far
i was in the car today my favorite thinking spot.
i was in a terrible selfish annoyed mood.
i put my fuze on shuffle &
a phil wickham worship like song was playing
honestly
I didnt feel like listening to a worship song
i felt like just listen to something to calm me down and not think
& it was like how you play the " our song" after
a break up.
enough times to help you get over that someone.
except i wasn't getting over god
i was getting over me
which in an ironic way
i found more important
it sounds strange but i cant get any closer
to him .. if i keep getting in way.
the other day i felt in way
i had let down god..
i happen to forget that im human. which doesnt mean its an excuse to fail.
more of an excuse to give up .
when i was younger i can remember getting so frustrated at simple things like trying to dress myself and getting my
head stuck in a dress or a sweater cause i was rushing too much to notice there was a 5th button..
and i would keep trying to just pull on the sleeves..
..but that head of mine kept giving me trouble
which continued to not work until i somehow i manage to run all the way down the hall and a flight of stairs
to my mother for help
some times its not that we need a reason to make up for our failures
but some times we just need to admit when we no longer
can mange it all on our own.
i think
this is what god was trying to get me to understand.
which i do.
I felt like a waitress and jesus was at the table &
i walked up and asked him how could i serve him
but then before he could say anything
i recommended him some nice wine and
told him im sure there are plenty of
other people waiting to serve him
that wouldnt mess up as bad as i would
accidentally bringing him pork or shell fish.
but i didnt feel like jesus would have cared.
i think he would just laugh in a way that only her could
& ask me to sit and have a real communion
with him.
you know with out the cannibalistic references but the real deal
how it was meant to be
with out metaphors or analogies
or little chalky wafers that look like gum.
thats how he wants it to be thats how he intended it to be.
all along
i guess sometimes i forget.
what ive discovered is he wants to just talk with us soo much
& he doesnt care
if you do it over a little cup of grape juice.
or over some afternoon tea
he just wants to meet with us and exchange i love you's and
chat about our day, the things that trouble us
the stresses about the upcoming year.
good or bad.
in the end he can always make it better.
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