perfectionist cringe

im sitting here enjoying my cocoa pebbles ..

i realized i havnt posted anything in a while.

the 1st thought that pops into my head.

Im not perfect.

i do get upset

i dont get straight A's ..or B's..

im not always as deep as people may think

.. i do love some mindless humor once in a while

my writing style has been labeled " awkward"


i have not found the perfect milk to pebble ratio ...

 i digress ..

I've found out that, disappointment comes

when our set expectations arnt met.

it could be as simple as

getting some cereal that has been hyped up &advertised to be the best thing..

and it turns out to taste like sugary cardboard (im just really enjoying my cocoa pebbles.. jealous?)

or as complicated as

losing trust in a close friend.

no matter what we

do to control us ( ourselves )

  despite our set expectations we have in our heads of

who we should be ..

  we're human

& i've found that sometimes i've forgotten to add

that into the

calculations.

even though we do mess up, and we do make mistakes.

it's never an excuse to give up.

its a reason to not constantly rag on yourself

because we all mess up.

but the difference between some people &

most people ..

is

some people learn or deal with the screw-ups & keep moving forward

most people don't.

the desperate old school house wives book club

How imagination got the best of them 


I've realized some thing recently that..

i probably already knew

but 

as girls
 at times
we base what we expect from our relationships

from what we get from the media..

crazy isnt it?

but its true, if you look back to the early writings in the 1800's 

stories( i learned this is in english.. also crazy) most plays and novels 

were written for the upper class nobles who could afford them.

And the only people able to sit around read&daydream 

were the 

noble's wives..mostly known as the "desperate old school house wives"

mostly because it was an escape for them 

this being because 

 they were married for money or social standing .

They would read these stories of scandalous noble women and their chivalrous knights that ride in and rescue them from their utterly boring lives of wealth &and..sewing. 

but i can see where they're coming from..

one of the rules of courtly love mostly created by the desperate old school house wives book club leader the queen of england at the time.

even though most of these rules were im my view

based on stupid and childish thoughts on love.

..i digress 

the rule was that no one should be with out love (unless there were insinuating circumstances)

 that no one deserves to not be love.

even though this was talking strictly about romantic love

i totally agree. 
no one should be with out love.

over time the media has tried to keep up

with our demanding wants and magical imaginations 

& create these chick flicks 

that do exactly what they are made to do

..
make us embrace this romantic idea of what

love should look & feel like.

 to take us away from our own lives. to get us lost in 

these magical stories 

 instead of embracing reality and investing in honest real 

relationships.

sometimes we just need to get past feelings that get us into 

trouble more than they profit us.

and wake up 

when the movies over 

and find out what real love is.

i've realized it doesn't have to be someone who

 you can kiss every time you see eachother.

sometimes its a best friend who

 will give up their time to hear you cry over the phone til 4 in the morning and 

still 

text you back the next day to see if your ok.

all im saying is

no one deserves to be with out love.

 changing the definition and qualifications of 

what its considered love

to meet some idea that makes us feel happy 

for a moment 

isnt going to help

maybe we have to come back to reality  long enough to 

find something we thought only

 existed in our dreams.

"..you know with out the cannibalistic references"

This being my senior year

im being bombarded with ideas and plans that aren't mine

of what i should do with my future

& i know i shouldn't get territorial about it

seeing as well.. these are gods plan's vs. mine

i intend on losing. and i will be happy about it haha.

if i can

continue to remember that his are better in so many

different ways.

im trying to look at my life and find where gods spoke to

me the most.

and it seems to be in Graphic arts/music and writing so far

i was in the car today my favorite thinking spot.

i was in a terrible selfish annoyed mood.

i put my fuze on shuffle &

a phil wickham worship like song was playing

honestly

I didnt feel like listening to a worship song

i felt like just listen to something to calm me down and not think

& it was like how you play the " our song" after

a break up.

enough times to help you get over that someone.

except i wasn't getting over god

i was getting over me

which in an ironic way

i found more important

it sounds strange but i cant get any closer

to him .. if i keep getting in way.

the other day i felt in way

i had let down god..

i happen to forget that im human. which doesnt mean its an excuse to fail.

more of an excuse to give up .

when i was younger i can remember getting so frustrated at simple things like trying to dress myself and getting my

head stuck in a dress or a sweater cause i was rushing too much to notice there was a 5th button..

and i would keep trying to just pull on the sleeves..

..but that head of mine kept giving me trouble

which continued to not work until i somehow i manage to run all the way down the hall and a flight of stairs

to my mother for help

some times its not that we need a reason to make up for our failures

but some times we just need to admit when we no longer

can mange it all on our own.

i think

this is what god was trying to get me to understand.

which i do.

I felt like a waitress and jesus was at the table &

i walked up and asked him how could i serve him

but then before he could say anything

i recommended him some nice wine and

told him im sure there are plenty of

other people waiting to serve him

that wouldnt mess up as bad as i would

accidentally bringing him pork or shell fish.

but i didnt feel like jesus would have cared.

i think he would just laugh in a way that only her could

& ask me to sit and have a real communion

with him.

you know with out the cannibalistic references but the real deal

how it was meant to be

with out metaphors or analogies

or little chalky wafers that look like gum.

thats how he wants it to be thats how he intended it to be.

all along

i guess sometimes i forget.

what ive discovered is he wants to just talk with us soo much

& he doesnt care

if you do it over a little cup of grape juice.

or over some afternoon tea

he just wants to meet with us and exchange i love you's and

chat about our day, the things that trouble us

the stresses about the upcoming year.

good or bad.

in the end he can always make it better.