the desperate old school house wives book club

How imagination got the best of them 


I've realized some thing recently that..

i probably already knew

but 

as girls
 at times
we base what we expect from our relationships

from what we get from the media..

crazy isnt it?

but its true, if you look back to the early writings in the 1800's 

stories( i learned this is in english.. also crazy) most plays and novels 

were written for the upper class nobles who could afford them.

And the only people able to sit around read&daydream 

were the 

noble's wives..mostly known as the "desperate old school house wives"

mostly because it was an escape for them 

this being because 

 they were married for money or social standing .

They would read these stories of scandalous noble women and their chivalrous knights that ride in and rescue them from their utterly boring lives of wealth &and..sewing. 

but i can see where they're coming from..

one of the rules of courtly love mostly created by the desperate old school house wives book club leader the queen of england at the time.

even though most of these rules were im my view

based on stupid and childish thoughts on love.

..i digress 

the rule was that no one should be with out love (unless there were insinuating circumstances)

 that no one deserves to not be love.

even though this was talking strictly about romantic love

i totally agree. 
no one should be with out love.

over time the media has tried to keep up

with our demanding wants and magical imaginations 

& create these chick flicks 

that do exactly what they are made to do

..
make us embrace this romantic idea of what

love should look & feel like.

 to take us away from our own lives. to get us lost in 

these magical stories 

 instead of embracing reality and investing in honest real 

relationships.

sometimes we just need to get past feelings that get us into 

trouble more than they profit us.

and wake up 

when the movies over 

and find out what real love is.

i've realized it doesn't have to be someone who

 you can kiss every time you see eachother.

sometimes its a best friend who

 will give up their time to hear you cry over the phone til 4 in the morning and 

still 

text you back the next day to see if your ok.

all im saying is

no one deserves to be with out love.

 changing the definition and qualifications of 

what its considered love

to meet some idea that makes us feel happy 

for a moment 

isnt going to help

maybe we have to come back to reality  long enough to 

find something we thought only

 existed in our dreams.

"..you know with out the cannibalistic references"

This being my senior year

im being bombarded with ideas and plans that aren't mine

of what i should do with my future

& i know i shouldn't get territorial about it

seeing as well.. these are gods plan's vs. mine

i intend on losing. and i will be happy about it haha.

if i can

continue to remember that his are better in so many

different ways.

im trying to look at my life and find where gods spoke to

me the most.

and it seems to be in Graphic arts/music and writing so far

i was in the car today my favorite thinking spot.

i was in a terrible selfish annoyed mood.

i put my fuze on shuffle &

a phil wickham worship like song was playing

honestly

I didnt feel like listening to a worship song

i felt like just listen to something to calm me down and not think

& it was like how you play the " our song" after

a break up.

enough times to help you get over that someone.

except i wasn't getting over god

i was getting over me

which in an ironic way

i found more important

it sounds strange but i cant get any closer

to him .. if i keep getting in way.

the other day i felt in way

i had let down god..

i happen to forget that im human. which doesnt mean its an excuse to fail.

more of an excuse to give up .

when i was younger i can remember getting so frustrated at simple things like trying to dress myself and getting my

head stuck in a dress or a sweater cause i was rushing too much to notice there was a 5th button..

and i would keep trying to just pull on the sleeves..

..but that head of mine kept giving me trouble

which continued to not work until i somehow i manage to run all the way down the hall and a flight of stairs

to my mother for help

some times its not that we need a reason to make up for our failures

but some times we just need to admit when we no longer

can mange it all on our own.

i think

this is what god was trying to get me to understand.

which i do.

I felt like a waitress and jesus was at the table &

i walked up and asked him how could i serve him

but then before he could say anything

i recommended him some nice wine and

told him im sure there are plenty of

other people waiting to serve him

that wouldnt mess up as bad as i would

accidentally bringing him pork or shell fish.

but i didnt feel like jesus would have cared.

i think he would just laugh in a way that only her could

& ask me to sit and have a real communion

with him.

you know with out the cannibalistic references but the real deal

how it was meant to be

with out metaphors or analogies

or little chalky wafers that look like gum.

thats how he wants it to be thats how he intended it to be.

all along

i guess sometimes i forget.

what ive discovered is he wants to just talk with us soo much

& he doesnt care

if you do it over a little cup of grape juice.

or over some afternoon tea

he just wants to meet with us and exchange i love you's and

chat about our day, the things that trouble us

the stresses about the upcoming year.

good or bad.

in the end he can always make it better.

keep holding on

i dont normally start a blog with a title in mind

but i figured if this is for you

it'd get your attention

im not really sure

but i've had this big burden on my heart

and its been telling me to tell someone that
you are'nt alone
your important
and so is your story
i'd love to hear it

sometimes we judge other people labeling them because we think they
will judge or label us
if we open up to them.

i know what its like to shut off contact with people
push them away to be alone

when i needed it most.

everyone needs someone
& im here

if you need a someone

i'll pull a van gogh

and lend you my ear
lol

i'll be here

no room

this past year ive noticed
its been difficult in certain situations to
decifer emotions from thoughts
and to understand when one should not control the other.
and even more when one comes from unresolved thoughts.
its confusing. i know lol
sometimes the simplest word from someone
can open up your eyes. & when taken to heart
can just well. help.

This weekend i traveled to south carolina to hear&meet my favorite
writer Don Miller while on tour for his latest book.

Don was talking about happiness/ and low expectations

He talked about denmark being one of the 3rd happiest places in the world.
.. he watched this on 60 mins so its def legit if your wondering lol
what caught my attention the most was when he spun off
talking about people
and i could tell he was becoming more personal
when he said sometimes we get so irritated with people because they dont meet our expectiations
something like that. but this is probably just my interpretation of it.
he continued
and if we just realized that people aren't perfect
& stopped playing the blame game
it would make it things alot more simplier and we would be more content.

this rocked me. its so simple and ive probably heard it before.
but im sure that i was ment to hear it then. at this point in my story
hearing those words and getting a hold of them.
was the start to my own healing process.

my mind atomatically went to a situation i had some unresolved bitterness to
which..
(i wont really go into it but i thought i had forgiven someone and i had but i went back and in my heart blamed them for something they had no control over. me. dealing with disappointments in life is taking responsiblity for you. ive said this before you can always choose the situations that happen to you but you can choose how to respond in the middle of them. in the past i chose self pity and pointed the finger at the wrong person. and this helped me see what i needed to a long time ago. and honestly i really wouldnt have been surprised if i had heard something like what don spoke about before. i think if i did & i didnt apply to my life. it was because i wasnt in the place to fix it. not that i couldnt have. but i know i was ment to hear those words. )

i really have no reason to.

this is what im saying
putting someone on a pedestal
is setting you up to be disappointed .
people are human & so are you.
you cant blame someone else for your feelings.
self pity will get you no where.
except probably into a state of depression
like don said 'you just need to get that crap out of your life theres no room for it'
that is unless you dont want to lead a fufilling happier life

other wise you would read everything i said here in the opposite

as a side note
this may seem somewhat harsh or insenstive
to those who say that.
im not talking to you.
im talking to the one who read this and their mind went to a past
hurt, current situation.

im not saying that this is easy
but clearing the other distractions in life
can help the healing start so
you can live

thinking out loud

what's to say somthing no longer has meaning when its purpose is no longer achievable ?

who's to say

un-special

i had one of the most relaxing Monday afternoons this past week

i walk to a local pharmacy after school &

picked up a mountain dew ( yes..i love it)

let me paint a picture for you

i was supposed to be getting picked up but

i just felt like sitting

i opened my backpack and took out my copy of
Donald millers new book

but i didn't really feel much for reading just yet

just sitting there i some how just narrated in my mind

how i would describe this moment if i had to

" the aroma in the gentle breeze had the faint but consistent
scent of cigarette smoke..
but i didn't mind.. i just sat
watching busy people pass by me sitting at this cafe table.

had my back pack not been next to me
i wondered about what they would think about
me
some random girl sitting there."

but i never went any further than that.

i'll i know about this day is ..

no special guest speaker appeared at a random school assembly
and their story
made me appreciate mine even more. ( But that's for another day)

there was no great encouraging word spoken to me
by a teacher. there was no magical free ride to any college of my choice
contest
that i won..
no special sale on mountain dew..(disappointing)

all i can remember

what stands out so strong in my mind
was the

peace i had.

there was nothing special
if you went through my day right by my side you could see that.
&
i think that's what made me love it that much more.
nothing great happened. no revelation.

God's voice never thundered my name

that contentment

taught me something.

peace can be found in the most

un-special. normal situations.

the hero doesn't have to save the damsel and

then reflect on his day staring
into the sunset pondering about the meaning in his life.

to experience peace.

sometimes its just a gift.

and comes at the most un-special time

to make you appreciate it

in the times when you feel like

you need it more than air.

Do you think relationships are even worth it?
certain ones. every relationship has the potiential for a better onejust depends on how much both ppl but into it
someone helped me understand this today

took a survey for the 1st time in 12th to never.
and some of these questions caught my attention

In one of my classes there is a theme of fake friendship"marriages"
my friend was sarcasticly couxing me to make our's work haha.
he said that " for this to work we both have to give our.."
i cut him off he wasnt going to finish his thought " you mean like 50/50..so this can reach its potiential?"
" .right." he said

this doesnt only apply to guy and girl relationships.
any friendship. can just stay as a simple friendship.
or it can grow and become more
open.
intimate.
giving room for trust to grow.

#2
Does'nt it piss you off that stupid sixth graders think they're in love?
well im sure they're just immature not stupid.. and havnt have enough life experience yet. life experience being higher education. heart break. self improvement. andd i feel sometimes to tell them they're wrong is like telling a 5 year old that eating too many gummies will make you sick they'll do what they want ..
they'll just have to decide when they'll grow up
and pick up a carrot stick once in a while.